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Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
jaislynnw's InsaneJournal:
| Tuesday, May 15th, 2012 | |
| 11:42 am | I think I'm coming down with a cold. I hate spring and summer colds more than anything, they're so depressing. And then I feel totally bad cause I don't want to stop breastfeeding incase my little man gets sick. But then I'll feel bad if he gets sick. Lyssy keeps begging for ice cream, she loves the orange and vanilla swirly one with rainbow sprinkles. We went out to get it on mothers day, my first real mothers day, with two kids. It was alot of fun. Okay I want to write more but my head is going to explode, and I need something for it. But hello chicago. I miss you <3 |
| Friday, January 20th, 2012 | |
| 10:45 pm | For Lyssa on her 4th Birthday My dearest dearest Alyssa, I can't believe that you're turning 4!! You are such a wonderful girl and I am so proud of you. I thank God every day that you're in my life, that somehow I got the honor of being your Jama. I remember when your daddy told me about you. I was surprised, he was surprised, but I knew you had to come live with him. Live with us. And the moment I saw you I fell in love with you. I knew my life changed in that second. You had me wrapped around your little finger before I even knew what you looked like. And I'l love you every second of the rest of my life. I've wanted to write you one of these before.But I thought your birthday was perfect. A perfect time to start. So you're going to be 4 today. This year you got a little brother, and you love holding him. You love dancing with Auntie Nessa, and love wearing your tutu around the house and twirl. You love cheerios and jelly beans. Sometimes together. You love hot chocolate, and vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. And you love Corn Beef and Cabbage. I think you get that from grandpa! Cause Jama can't stand the smell of Cabbage! You want to be a princess when you grow up. Though I think you're a princess already! Your favorite color is Purple...and Camo. You take after your daddy like that! You are definitely your daddy's girl. You have his attitude. You're calm, and cool, and collected. Until you cant take anymore. Then you're a little hell on wheels. You aren't afraid to do anything. I swear I can't believe you havent broken your arm or leg yet, jumping off of everything you do. You got no fear, kid. I think you get that from both of us! But you definitely look like your daddy too! But thats a good thing, because the girl version of his handsomeness is one cute kid. You and your brother are the cutest kids I've ever seen. I love you Lyssy. I'm so glad we're a family. This year I think we really bonded. You loved rubbing Jama's belly, you loved talking to your brother in my belly, and loved taking naps with me. I love our breakfasts in bed, and the days we watch cartoons together. I know your daddy loves you very much. So do your aunts and uncles. And your grandparents. I know poppop and gammy love you very very much. You've brought us all so much joy and happiness. And I love you baby girl. I bought you this charm bracelet. Im going to add a charm to it every year. Or every big day. It might be a little big right now, but I want you to grow into it baby girl. Your first charms are a cupcake for your birthday. And a princess wand, because you are a princess, baby girl. You're beautiful inside and out. Don't ever forget how great you are. I love you. Always, Jama.  |
| Thursday, November 17th, 2011 | |
| 6:31 pm | It was the first Thanksgiving with two children, but not their first thanksgiving together. But Jas figured they ought to do it right. They would invite the whole quiad family over for dinner, along with Doms sister and brother, on thanksgiving, but figuring that the house would be too crowded then and that Nessa and Trace might have something to do later she invited them over to the house for a little "Friendsgiving" Lyssa had made paper turkeys which she and 'Jama' hung up all over the place. Dom had worked on the turkey, since Jas figured she would burn it. But somehow she did manage to make a side dish or two. And a couple of pies, that once the burn part was scraped off the bottom burnt part they tasted pretty decent! PJ was dressed up in one of his two thanksgiving outfits, this one Jas had knit for him, a baby bib that looked like pumpkin pie and a onesie that said "gobble me up". He was a happy baby, alert and looking around in his playpen. Lyssa was currently, after being so busy helping Jama, watching cartoons, in one of her fall dresses. Jas loved to dress her little girl up, and Gramma Quaid loved to spoil her grandkids. Lyssa needed a closet at grandmas soon if she got any more clothes. After making sure the kids were settled at least for a moment Jas poked her head into the kitchen "Hey good lookin, what you got cookin?" she teased Dom with a grin. She leaned in and rubbed his back before taking a deep breath "Everything smells amazing!" she told him, feeling her mouth water. Luckily before she could steal a piece of whwatever food was infront of her the doorbell rang. She could hear Lyssa get up and run to the door "Wait for momma, Lys!" Jas called, shaking her head before running after the little girl, picking her up so she could open the door. The little girl squealed seeing her aunt and uncle there, reaching her arms out for one of them to take her. Jas smiled "Hey guys! Come on in" she told them, ushering them out of the cold air. |
| Friday, September 23rd, 2011 | |
| 10:18 pm | friends page, i would like if you moved. xoxo jaislynn this is a space filler for all the gushing i will do about little JP tomorrow!!!! |
| Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 | |
| 10:10 pm | The kids!   |
| Tuesday, July 26th, 2011 | |
| 9:09 am | I wish I were that skinny still This little guy/gal needs to come out soon. Our due date was sunday, two days ago. The doctors say to wait a few more days and see what happens, or they'll induce. I really don't want to get induced though since I heard that makes it hurt like a sonofabitch. I think he/she is just as stubborn as her/his momma though. I know I can be stubborn. Or they're patient like their daddy is. One of the two. I just wish they'd get here. I want to meet them. But then again I don't even think we're set on a name... I'm sure we'll figure it out though. I hope. |
| Sunday, June 5th, 2011 | |
| 10:48 am | I really wish I could still see my feet. Cause I swear right about now i have cankles. Who wants to rub this belly before baby comes? I hear its good luck. Like Buddah. |
| Friday, April 1st, 2011 | |
| 9:46 am | So Its almost time to make that tough choice. Learn the sex of the baby or not learn the sex of the baby. thoughts? |
| Thursday, March 3rd, 2011 | |
| 8:16 pm | "Patriotism is not so much protecting the land of our fathers as preserving the land of our children."
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| Saturday, December 25th, 2010 | |
| 9:03 pm | A christmas message! |
| Friday, November 26th, 2010 | |
| 12:22 am | Its thanksgiving. So I should make a list of things I'm thankful for. Dom, I dont know what my life would be like without you. You've made me the person I never knew I could be. Thank you for fighting for my freedom, my honor, and winning my heart Lyssa, because I can't imagine my life without her. I cant believe my little angel is growing up so fast. My parents, because I spent so long hating them, this marriage and Lyssa have really been a blessing. I guess they did love me afterall, we both just never knew how to show it. For Nessa because she makes Dom happy and Trace because he makes her happy. For Coffee and Turkey and chocolate For smoke detectors, to laugh in my face when I burn the mashed potatos... twice For possibilities For the life I have. what is everyone thankful for? |
| Thursday, October 14th, 2010 | |
| 10:57 am | The one on Babies and Future Pregnancies. You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. ~Pau Casals Babies are necessary to grown-ups. A new baby is like the beginning of all things --wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. In a world that is cutting down its trees to build highways, losing its earth to concrete... babies are almost the only remaining link with nature, with the natural world of living things from which we spring. ~Eda J. Le Shan Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. ~Marshall McLuhan I remember hearing about Lyss, and I remember how scared I was. But how much I knew that Dom had to fight for her. I was scared it would change us, and it did. For the better. I was scared that she would hate me, but she didn't. I was scared that I would be a shitastic mother, since I know sometimes Im shitastic at everything else, but I love it and I love her more than anything else in the world. I want a baby. I was telling that to Nessa last night. We always said that we would wait until I graduated, which will be in the spring (a year early...thanks for AP classes and summer schools) And I thought I would be okay with waiting that long. But Im not. Ever since question man posted in his 30 day challenge what would we want to accomplish in the next year, I've been serious about it. I want a child in the next year, or I want to conceive in the next year. I say or because I know it can be tricky, if I put too much stress on my body to perform it probably wont want to. But I want a baby before Lyssa goes to Kindergarten. Because I know how excluded I felt with my brother and sister being so much older than me. I want them all to be close. I mean I'm close to Brent, but not Marianna, but Brents goal is to mostly protect me... not hang with me. And somehow I ended up being the most stable. We already have the kid and two dogs, and the pretty house. But I want two kids, three kids, four kids, five kids. And yes, the thought of carrying around a baby for 9 months scares the shit out of me. But not for the superficial reasons it did before. Before I was scared of giving up coffee and beer, getting fat, and stretch marks, and Dom not finding me hot. But I hear sex is AMAZING when you're pregnant. All the blood flow. No I'm scared that I won't be able to carry them to term, that my hips aren't wide enough, and I watch all those shows about how women get sick and the baby gets put in danger, or that episode of house where getting pregnant like... almost kills the 12 year old diver. I'm worried about birthing options. What if things down there arent wide enough for the watermelon thats gonna pass through them and i have to have a c-section. If you have it once you have to have it always. What if the baby has a different rH factor than me? Then it puts both of us and future babies in danger. Or what if they have a genetic abnormality thats going to keep them from living a normal life or a long life. I'm not talking about like Downs Syndrome or another mental or physical retardation kind of abnormality, because those children turn into adults and live fairly happy lives and fairly productive lives, and spread joy, and are pretty much kick ass. No I mean something like progeria...thats probably not how you spell it. Where the kids age too fast and can die before 10, and yes most of their lives are productive and happy but they're also filled with pain. And they die. Or a birth defect that kills them before they can come home, or kill them in a year. Or... millions of other things. I watch too much tv for my own good. Once I finally do get a bun in this oven I'm going to have to block all those channels with the parental controls on the tv. But really I can't wait. I want Lyssa to have brothers and sisters, I want more children for Domi and I to love. And yeah we've been trying for a baby, kinda. But I just went to the store yesterday and picked up pre-natal vitamins, and folic acid high cereal, and some vitamin d, and some ice cream. Gotta get this oven in tip top shape. And maybe this time next year, there will be another baby in Chi-town :) |
| Thursday, September 9th, 2010 | |
| 10:27 am | The one on Having Balls. The courage kind not the sexy kind. You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues. Wisdom, Justice, Fortitude and Temperance. As I read the list I knew I had none of them. But i have other virtues, father. Ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness. Courage. Perhaps not on the battlefield but there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family, to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then, it was as if you didn't want me for your son. ~unknown. Nay, number itself in armies importeth not much, where the people is of weak courage; for, as Virgil saith, It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep be. ~Francis Bacon I was in the store yesterday when this like 50 year old guy walks up to me and was like "Would you like a religious tract?" and of course I said yes. I always say yes. I mean what would I say "No thanks, you have the balls to walk around handing out information about Jesus but no thanks." No I took it. Of course I have to think like...Do I look like I need Jesus and religion inmy life. I go to church on Sunday. Or maybe he thought I was nice enough to not shoot him down. I have to admit sometimes the tracts scare me. Its all about not believing in God makes you burn in hell. I don't think that, personally, doing bad things like killing people sends you to hell. God accepts anyone that does good things, even if they might not believe in him or Jesus or anything. I don't believe everything the church says, but I try to be an okay person. I know I'm not a good person or a great person but I strive to be okay at least. But I just thought about the courage it takes to do something like that, stand up for what you believe ad not care what others think. Its like Jehovahs witnesses that go door to door or those cute mormon boys. Those are all part of their religion though, a practice that they have to do so they can become fully into their church. But it takes alot of heart, alot of soul, alot of courage, alot of determination to do that. To walk door to door and knock and explain what you believe over and over and over again. And they're always so nice about it too. Somedays I don't know what I believe. And I feel lost. Do I believe what I do because I want to or it was what I was brought up in. I think I brought that up in my last entry too and I still don't know. I feel like I should know. I want my daughter to know Jesus, I want her to love God. But I want her to make her own beliefs too. I don't want her to lose the people she loves because she doesn't know what to think. Tolerance. Acceptance. Those are the most important things, I think. Not that you have to accept everyone, but at least tolerate everyone and try to undestand. Try to see another point of view, try to love people for who they are, try to learn from everyone. Everyone has a story to tell. I can't believe in a few months Lyssa will be 3. I also can't believe in a few months we'll be married a year. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary of dating on my birthday. With my handsome man that thought I should be 18 before he asked to date me. I think I'll think thats cute and respectable forever. I want another baby. I think about it alot, sometimes. I mean the idea of actually being pregnant and having a baby grow inside of me and then push out of my vagina? Not so much. But I do want another child. We've agreed to wait until I graduate, a year a bit more from now. But I still want one. Before Lyssa gets too old. Theres a huge gap between my siblings and I and it always made me feel a little left out. I want them to be close. But I watch too many of those health shows. And I feel like a hypocondriac, but its more like "But this could happen to my baby, or this could happen to my fetus, or or" when you see all those sick babies that have to come early or kids with cancer or genetic diseases. Or I even watched this one where poor albino people are hunted for their bones. It was sad. Really sad. Dom has to take the remote from me because some days I just watch them and then like freak out. Its kinda pathetic... I know. Well... classes call. And then work. Have a great day Chicago. |
| Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010 | |
| 12:19 pm | I don't write in here alot anymore. I haven't since the day I lost my best friend. Because Im stupid and I don't keep my mouth shut and I don't think before I talk. Basically I'm like a dude...just without a dick. I miss him. I feel like part of me is just lost and drifting, and I don't even know how to cope with it. And the worst part is its my fault, again. I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry... I miss you... I love you... I can't even open this stupid window because all I want to do is cry, I don't even want to look at old entries, and I can't even think of a quote to put here. I was going to write an entry last month on beliefs. About how I don't know what I believe in. How I go to church and sit in the pew and the words don't mean as much to me as they used to. Maybe its like that line from Dogma, how the glass is bigger so it doesn't get as full as it used to. Or maybe I realized that the church is just a bunch of hypocrites. Preaching love and forgiveness and then hating and condemning. I want my daughter to grow up loving people for who they are not because of what they are or because others tell us we aren't supposed to. Maybe I need a new belief system. I went to catholic school. What if what I believe isn't what I really believe, only whats been forced down my throat for years. I try to be open minded. Maybe I need a new religion or...something. I'm still so excited over Nessa's wedding, I'm so glad she got married. Even if I hadn't finished the gift I was making her yet. I love weddings, somewhere deep inside I'm really sappy. Our anniversary is coming up soon. I can't believe its been almost a year. And I still feel like the suckiest wife ever half the time. I don't do well with house keeping. Or cooking, or any of those things that I know I should probably be able to do. But I try. And I haven't burned anything in a few weeks. That he knows of at least. Well until now. But I love him and he for some reason still loves me. Glutton for punishment, maybe? But I love my man anyway. And our little kiddo. Anyway. I think I'll go research some new religions. Oh...and Stephen...if you read this, I do miss you... |
| Monday, May 10th, 2010 | |
| 8:54 pm | |
| Saturday, April 24th, 2010 | |
| 10:30 am | The one on Growth, Changes, Love, and Motherhood- edited This quarter is almost over. That means I'm one quarter closer to graduating. One closer to being a 'grown up' in the real world. It's a little scary but exciting at the same time. I'm not one for cheesy. I'm one for giving Marine Corps thongs as birthday gifts (even though he didn't know what it was at first ;-) ) I'm one for trying to ease mental anguish by playing Court Marshall. For cracking jokes instead of shedding tears. I know I'm far from perfect I know sometimes I'm emotionless. I blame my family for that. Emotions were weak and something they didn't do. You can't just learn to be something you were told never to be. But one day I met Dom. Online none the less. Sort of like you got mail without the ditching at the restaurant the one night. Maybe if we hadn't met online first and hadn't talked online first our relationship wouldn't have been...wouldn't be... like it is now. For that reason I love technology. Its been almost two years since I met him and I love him even more every day. I think its why I enjoy texting him even if we're cuddling on the couch together. It reminds me of how strong of character he is. How he could defend me without even knowing me. How he took the time to know and love the real me. Took time to help me realize the real me. Its like when he told me about Lyssa. I never thought I was motherly. If I had had a time machine when I was 16 and could see that future I probably would have bolted then. But when he told me? I felt like a fierce mother bear wanting to protect my cub. I didn't know her but I knew he had to protect and keep his family...our family. Every day I'm glad I didn't run. And I love my baby girl. And I love this relationship I'm growing with my family. My mom and I actually talk now, my dad actually gets all soft and mushy when he's around his grandbaby. I actually caught them having a tea party the other day, my dad trying to squeeze his ass in one of her tiny chairs. Stephen can you imagine that! If I hadn't seen it I probably never would have believed it. Being a mother makes me feel confident and insecure all at once. Confident that I can mold and shape a life. She grows every day and its amazing to see the little person she's becoming. I love when her mannerisms are like mine. When she wrinkles her nose when she tastes or smells something nasty like I do. I feel unconditional love when she snuggles into me on the couch. I secretly...or not so secretly now that I spoke it...love the days she hugs me goodnight before she hugs her daddy. The days she wants me to tuck her in instead. Insecure that someday she'll love her real mother more than she loves me. That some day she'll think of me as an evil step mother even though I helped raise her. Somedays I get as scared as I get happy. Sometimes it bothers me its Jama instead of Mama. But at the end of the day its me she hugs good night, me she draws pictures for. She's my baby girl even though someone else had her. I worry about the day her birth mom comes back into the picture. I don't know what I worry about it but I do. One more quarter done means one more quarter to graduation. Over half way done now. Closer to having a degree. Even though I'm already doing what I love, having that degree is important to me. Its one more quarter closer to being able to have some more younguns running around. Its weird some days one is enough, some days my biological clock is ticking or I have dreams of being pregnant or I take Lyssa to the park and I want one. I want another baby. I want a baby of my own. Not that she isn't my own, but one that I've carried one I've given birth too. We've talked about adoption too. Make our children what was it Dom said...more than three less than or equal to five? I know I'm young and shouldn't want to jump to that. And most days I don't. Most days I absolutely love it being the three of us...no four of us if we count my big man Roscoe. He's cute except when he lays flat on my chest and tries to kill me. Okay even then he's cute cause it involves licking my face. I love being young and free and seeing the world around me. But some days I want that future skip. I want a flashforward into that life to see what its like. I think I've written enough maybe. And Lyssa is tugging my hand to color. Oh and in the last few weeks of April loves... Give to some child abuse prevention program. April is child abuse prevention month. And alot in life does hurt. But it shouldn't hurt to be a child. Ever. And go to www.freerice.com and play games. For every right answer they donate 10 grains of rice to the UN to feed the hungry. |
| Friday, January 22nd, 2010 | |
| 3:51 pm | The one about Self. The joys of parents are secret, and so are their grieves and fears. |
